Call me a Christmas Whore, but I will happily cheat on Nigella with Jamie Oliver

It's all Festive JOY at the fabulous gay apartment for 2017 this year, and David and I are hosting a small banquet (or as I like to think of it, a mini feast).

Now this inevitably brings out the Nigella Christmas Cookbook.  There are Four Nigella Cookbooks any self respecting Queer will own (honestly you can Major in Nigella cooking at Gay School, no joke!).  I own three of them.  After the Christmas Cookbook I then was gifted "Feast" by David for a birthday present, and just last month I borrowed "How to Eat" from my local library and within minutes of opening it I knew I had to own a copy - so a second hand paperback from my favourite love2hate second hand bookshop online purchase was made (however it is a paperback version so I fear I will get reduced marks for this assignment) and delivered within days.

I don't own the fourth book mainly because of the whole gluten free thang - from a bakery perspective, in you're gluten-free, gluten intolerant or celiac then Phil Vickery wins hands down here, and I'm sure I'll get around to posting about him at some point so that's enough about him and baking.

We love Phil

The one Nigella Cookbook every Queer should own, but I don't own

It's the Zero of Advent so of course that means that anything done regarding Christmas should be low key and unobtrusive to ensure you do not receive a mockery meme of Batman slapping Robin across the face for daring to sing a Christmas Carol in October, before Hallowe'en (although, I have to admit it, quite right too).  Celebrate the seasons knobhead!  Don't go getting ahead of yourself too much, too soon.  It spoils the overall celebration if you start it too early.

Now one thing that apparently can be done (some traditions say directly after Bonfire Night, or Bonfire Night Sunday - there is so such a thing!) is stir up the Christmas Pudding.  I needed to make a few small adjustments to the recipe Nigella gives in her tome, in order to gluten-free it, but in general it's pretty much identical to how she makes it.  I did have to search vigorously online for Vegetarian Suet (and I now have too much of this stuff in my cupboard for my liking - the use by date is June 2018 so I'm already destined to throw some of the five and half remaining packets away) but most of the other stuff I already had.  Especially the Rum.  We always end up with a bottle of that in our house every other month.

Now the reason that you make the Christmas Pudding ahead of time is so that you feed it Rum - the earlier you make it, the more rum gets to get drizzled over it.  As we've had a few evenings celebrating in the Gay Apartment of late (when you get a couple of lads who are half your age staying, the alcohol consumption levels do tend to go up a few floors) I've ensured that every bottle gets to feed it at least once. 

David "feeding" our Christmas Pudding with
Ashton's gift of Havana Special Reserve Rum

Another thing you can make well ahead of time is the Gravy.  When I saw this recipe idea from flipping through Jamie Oliver's Christmas Cookbook in my local library (it's my browsing space of late - I cannot just purchase cookbooks like I used to because (a) I don't have the space to house them and (b) there are just waaaaay too many duds out there and once I've got a copy, I'm very unlikely to let it go, even if it is a terrible celebrity rip-off that may only have one or two recipes in it that I may want to use).

Jamie's book is surprisingly upper middle class in comparison to Nigella's - this is ironic considering his roots and the glam that Nigella brings to the table.  For example, Nigella's fish pie is deliciously simple in her cookbooks (she even calls it "Nursery Fish Pie" in her FEAST cookbook).  Now I'm certain she never intentionally wanted me to use frozen fish but I've made this very pie using pollock and smoked haddock from the freezer compartment and it is still pretty scrummy - and because the quantity is quite humongous you can end up eating this again and again.  Having said that, I now feel I do have to recount when I sent David out with a shopping list for ingredients for this comfort dish, and in my head I assumed that he would translate the fish as being frozen from Nigella's list of ingredients - predictably of course he did not (and why would he?) and so the price tag went up a notch, but using fresh fish did add a certain "wow" factor to the dish once cooked and eaten, we can now attest.

Now in comparison, Jamie lists his Fish Pie in his Christmas Cookbook as requiring Lobster.  I'm sure it's delicious, but this is slightly out of my league this year (and most years!).  But even some of the other recipes have a certain whiff of the elite amongst them.  I have noted a few recipes of course:  the Roast Chicken with the four "smearing" butters; the Salmon En Croute; the Hasselback Potatoes; his Veggie Stuffing; a Turkey Risotto, Turkey Pie and Turkey Falafel (you really cannot have enough leftover turkey recipes on hand for Boxing Day and thereafter) - some desserts (including a Jaffa Cake recipe, for Jarra, our daughter and mother of our three grandchildren - yep, we got another one!) but overall I couldn't justify buying this as a purchase.  It just felt a little bloaty, especially with the full page images (so impossible to recreate in such glory you BASTARD Jamie) of every recipe.

And there just isn't enough chat.  Nigella luxuriously describes why she includes her recipes - even her slutty cookbooks have this in them.  Jamie sort of adds a couple of sentences as an introduction and I can't help feeling it's just not personal enough.

However his Make Ahead Gravy truly is a genius idea, and here we, on a Cold December's night before the First of Advent, making our gravy ahead of the actual day.  For this alone I can recommend this book.

Here's how we do in the Fabulous Gay Apartment:

You get a couple of onions, a couple of carrots and a few sticks of celery.  All roughly chopped.  You can peel the onions but just wash the carrots.  Get some fresh herbs - Jamie suggests Rosemary and Sage so I sent David off to the allotment to grab these the other day - a few sprigs of each.  I added four Bay leaves (they were store bought) whereas Jamie suggests only two.

Over this I sprinkled some amazing Canadian smokey salts that a lovely couple from Canada sent us (as a "thankyou" for hosting them for an impromptu Bonfire Night celebration one year) in a most splendid surprise parcel that arrived with all sorts of goodies and geeky foodery gifts.  We love them.  Sometimes people are so beautiful it almost knocks the wind out of you with joy.  Jamie suggests bacon, but bacon is a big no-no for me because, well, it's a pig and I really really like pigs.  You will not eat one in front of me without me grimacing, even if just a little.

Then you add the chicken wings.  Jamie said use 10, the pack I bought had 9 so I'm not worried this isn't going to work out.  David bashed them with a rolling pin, quite aggressively.  You want to break them up a little bit so ALL the flavours seep out.  Then I drizzled olive oil (ala Nigella, you know the way, where she says add two tablespoons and then proceeds to drizzle over a large portion of the bottle.  I added more oil than I normally would because David pointed out the lack of bacon - we can add smokey salts to emulate the flavour but the only way to replace the fat is to add more fat.  I then liberally sprinkled over coarsely ground black pepper - lots of it.

This then goes into the oven for an hour at 180 degrees Celsius. 

Ready for the oven - the oven gloves being yet
another fabulous gift from the parcel that I lurrrve.

Once that's done (and I can smell it now, it is nearing it's completion) Jamie says to transfer to a hob but leave in the baking dish and bash it with a potato masher (you'll want a sturdy metal one) until everything is super mushy.  We transferred this to a very large saucepan on the hob - same thing, mishy-mash it all up, but just not in the tray - our hob doesn't really accommodate a massive tray, so a change in the process was required.  Then you "brown" the gravy - you keep frying until you've got your desired level of brownyness - the longer it's on the hob, the darker the gravy will be.  Ours will be dark.  As dark as the night this time of year (or should I say late afternoon?).

At this stage your mush will begin to resemble the regurgitated innards of a small dinosaur.  Resist the urge to empty your own stomach and persevere.

Then you add some port - a small glass will go into this mix (the rest is for David and Me), some flour (four tablespoons Jamie says, I added five of an all purpose gluten-free plain flour mix, it's mostly starch in these store bought mixes, but I always add more when I'm replacing with gluten free) then pour in two litres of water boiled from the kettle.  Simmer for 30 minutes (ours is still simmering, an hour on) stirring occasionally.  Once this has thickened and reduced to your liking, cool, strain and transfer to bags and pop in the fridge (or freezer, if, like us, you're making this four weeks before the actual day).