It was the night before Christmas Eve, and the oceans were worryingly empty and devoid of life....

I really was hoping to post something well before the Solstice but I on top of the stress and the season (so much drinking but somebody's got to do it, right?) I have been suffering from a cold-like bug that is manifesting itself like a leaden weight within - it is extremely unpleasant but I am soldiering on regardless.

This Solstice we treated our Watford nephew and nieces to a rather delightful Christmas Party held by the firm that I work for in London.  It was such a tremendously good time - our three took one look at the tables laden with confectionery (literally overflowing!!!) and the youngest was heard to exclaim "It's Sweetie Heaven!!!".  We even met Santa, who it turns out is a really nice bloke.

Santa's nice, not naughty!

So I finally made a menu plan for the Festivities - most of the recipes are from Nigella's Christmas.
As for the "Get-Ahead Gravy Recipe" - I did promise to pop the instructions on how to complete this.  Here are the remaining steps which I've pinched from Jamie Oliver's very own website:

1. If frozen, take the gravy out to defrost when your turkey goes into the oven. When the turkey’s perfectly cooked, remove it to a platter to rest for up to 2 hours, covered with a double layer of tin foil and a clean tea towel.
2. Skim away most of the fat from the tray, cool, and place into a jar in the fridge for tasty cooking another day. Pour your Get-Ahead gravy into the tray with the rest of the turkey juices.
3. Bring to the boil over the hob and scrape up all those sticky bits from the base. Have a taste, then stir in some cranberry sauce to balance the flavours.
4. Once your gravy is piping hot, carefully strain through a coarse sieve into a pan, then leave it on the lowest heat until you’re ready to serve.
5. Skim away any fat that rises to the top, and add any extra resting juices from the turkey before serving.

Another dish that has been in the freezer awaiting a defrost is our Christmas Eve meal, Nigella's  Nursery Fish Pie.  I have modified this recipe from her FEAST cookbook, which is very similar to her Christmas Cookbook, apart from all the other holidays she has crammed into this massive tome. 

No, I don't have a dutch version of this book,
I just couldn't find an image of the cover that I own.

Now oddly enough, this recipe is actually from her Funereal section - but I have made this dish many times before for many occasions other than funerals (although I'm certain it would go down a treat at these events, it really is not a requirement at all).  What I wanted for Christmas Eve was a dish that was comforting, but at the same time adhering to some vague tradition of our ancestors (my past life as being a Roman centurion perhaps?).

A fortnight ago both David and I spent a weekend watching John Pilger documentaries with John Pilger at the British Library.  Now this man is truly exceptional.  Unafraid to ask the real questions about how the great wheel of war crushes and affects the most vulnerable of our species - and how often we let that happen.

John Pilger - a brave man not afraid to ask the hard questions

One documentary he introduced (not one he had made) was The End of the Line.  This documentary, since its screening in 2009 has brought much awareness to the plight of our oceans and how we have pushed the ecosystems within our oceans to the brink of collapse - through over fishing and some really ridiculous methods of fishing - it has recently been estimated that industrial fisheries are responsible for dumping 10 million tons of perfectly good fish back into the ocean each year.  This is enough to fill 4,500 Olympic-sized swimming pools.  These fish are dead.

Suddenly finding the cheapest source of fish for my pie was not my top priority anymore.  I wanted to ensure that what we were eating was sustainable.  Unfortunately this meant that it could not be from a farm (what, no smoked salmon?) because farmed fish are fed over twice their weight in fishmeal that is made from.... fish caught from the ocean.

Now there is sustainable fish out there - look for the MSC certification below.  Do not fall for the various supermarket's attempts to fool you with their own type of certification, which of course they will try to do.  Also, you're going to have to avoid a tremendous amount of produce that is not certified - and no doubt they will sell these unsustainable sources at reduced prices to try and tempt you back to the dark side.... but do try not to give in.  I know, hard to do when you are on a budget but you do what you can.

Nigella says to use Haddock - 1 kg of it smoked and 750g of it not.  David managed to find to buy approximately 1 kg of Pollock from Tescos.  This is a really great white fish alternative to Cod and/or Haddock.  I had to pop into Waitrose to purchase 550g of Smoked Haddock (it is essential to have smoked fish in your pie).  The Haddock came from Iceland (the country, not the store) where they obviously still have a supply of the fish (unlike the UK which has fished away its Haddock now to near extinction).  I also picked up 250g Canadian prawns.  All of this was frozen, so overall we spent about £20 to make this, but it is a rather massive dish.

I tried to defrost the fish as much as possible once I got home - then I got distracted with Netflix for a few hours, and suddenly I was making fish pie at 10pm.  I put all the fish (but not the prawns) into a large wok and then poured in about a litre of coconut milk (any type of milk will be fine I'm sure).  Nigella says use 500 ml but I've done this dish enough times to know I want a bit more sauce by the time I come around to making it.  Into this I add 4-5 Bay Leaves (Nigella says 3) and I scatter  white peppercorns liberally into the mix (Nigella says 1 tablespoon).  I do not always do this but this time I threw in a few chopped chillies from our plant that grows in the kitchen.  I bring this to the boil, then turn the heat to low and simmer until the fish is cooked but not mushy - about 20 minutes usually.

I use this time to peel about 1.5 kg of potatoes.  Ours were from the allotment of course, where we still dig up a steady supply for our use.  I chop them into same size pieces and then microwave them until tender, adding a little boiling water prior to popping them in the microwave.  However you cook them, once they are tender, drain, add about 100g butter and a dash of milk or cream and mash till fluffy.  Then season to taste and set aside.

Using a fabulous item I purchased in Mumbai, I scoop out the fish from its fishy milk (the coconut milk often separates and it looks pretty manky but worry not, once your sauce is made you will be delighted at its texture and its look).  I pop the fish to one side on a plate.  It is usually really hot but I often use this time to peel off any skin from the fish, as it does come off nice and easily when it is steaming.  Unfortunately I pretend to have asbestos fingers but I really do not, so I'm often heard exclaiming obscenities around this time.

I then discard the Bay Leaves, and strain the milk through my mesh scooper from Mumbai.  It allows all the peppercorns to remain, which is what I want.  Nigella says to discard them but I just love biting into a peppercorn when I'm eating the pie, so in they stay.  I also do not care if the chilli pieces end up in there either.

I use the same wok that I cooked the fish in to make the sauce - maybe give it a wipe but after that I throw in about 100g of butter and then I add about five tablespoons of all purpose gluten free flour.  I stir this into the melted butter, and then gradually add the fishy milk mixture (a little at the time and always whisking the mixture in the wok as you do - I often remove the wok from the heat while I whisk out any lumps that may be trying to form).

Once you have added all the milk and the sauce is nice and thick and silky smooth, stir in as much grated cheese as you want (Nigella recommends 75-100g, I tend to double this...).  Stir it until it is all melted and the sauce tastes delicious.  I often sprinkle in a little salt at this point, but sometimes I find it is not necessary - I think it really depends on how much smoked fish you have in the mix.

Now it is time to construct the pie.  Layer your fish in the dish (I split this into one really big casserole dish which I intended to freeze for Christmas Eve and one smaller one that we were going to eat the following evening for supper).  I mix in the prawns and some frozen peas (Nigella says to defrost them first, 125g of them).  You want the fish in small chunks but not too flaky. Then you pour the sauce over it and then you spread the potato mash over the top, sealing it all nicely.

If your fish is going into the oven, sprinkle over more grated cheese first and cook for 20-40 minutes (depending on if it's going in warm or cold).

Do you recognise Nigella's hands?

We snapped the lid on the large dish once it had cooled (no sense in adding grated cheese if your freezing the pie first) and into the freezer it went.  On Sunday we will defrost it in the morning, grate over a tremendous amount of goats cheese, maybe toss over some gluten free breadcrumbs to give it some extra crunchiness, and then cook it Gas Mark 5 (190 degrees) for 40 minutes.

Call me a Christmas Whore, but I will happily cheat on Nigella with Jamie Oliver

It's all Festive JOY at the fabulous gay apartment for 2017 this year, and David and I are hosting a small banquet (or as I like to think of it, a mini feast).

Now this inevitably brings out the Nigella Christmas Cookbook.  There are Four Nigella Cookbooks any self respecting Queer will own (honestly you can Major in Nigella cooking at Gay School, no joke!).  I own three of them.  After the Christmas Cookbook I then was gifted "Feast" by David for a birthday present, and just last month I borrowed "How to Eat" from my local library and within minutes of opening it I knew I had to own a copy - so a second hand paperback from my favourite love2hate second hand bookshop online purchase was made (however it is a paperback version so I fear I will get reduced marks for this assignment) and delivered within days.

I don't own the fourth book mainly because of the whole gluten free thang - from a bakery perspective, in you're gluten-free, gluten intolerant or celiac then Phil Vickery wins hands down here, and I'm sure I'll get around to posting about him at some point so that's enough about him and baking.

We love Phil

The one Nigella Cookbook every Queer should own, but I don't own

It's the Zero of Advent so of course that means that anything done regarding Christmas should be low key and unobtrusive to ensure you do not receive a mockery meme of Batman slapping Robin across the face for daring to sing a Christmas Carol in October, before Hallowe'en (although, I have to admit it, quite right too).  Celebrate the seasons knobhead!  Don't go getting ahead of yourself too much, too soon.  It spoils the overall celebration if you start it too early.

Now one thing that apparently can be done (some traditions say directly after Bonfire Night, or Bonfire Night Sunday - there is so such a thing!) is stir up the Christmas Pudding.  I needed to make a few small adjustments to the recipe Nigella gives in her tome, in order to gluten-free it, but in general it's pretty much identical to how she makes it.  I did have to search vigorously online for Vegetarian Suet (and I now have too much of this stuff in my cupboard for my liking - the use by date is June 2018 so I'm already destined to throw some of the five and half remaining packets away) but most of the other stuff I already had.  Especially the Rum.  We always end up with a bottle of that in our house every other month.

Now the reason that you make the Christmas Pudding ahead of time is so that you feed it Rum - the earlier you make it, the more rum gets to get drizzled over it.  As we've had a few evenings celebrating in the Gay Apartment of late (when you get a couple of lads who are half your age staying, the alcohol consumption levels do tend to go up a few floors) I've ensured that every bottle gets to feed it at least once. 

David "feeding" our Christmas Pudding with
Ashton's gift of Havana Special Reserve Rum

Another thing you can make well ahead of time is the Gravy.  When I saw this recipe idea from flipping through Jamie Oliver's Christmas Cookbook in my local library (it's my browsing space of late - I cannot just purchase cookbooks like I used to because (a) I don't have the space to house them and (b) there are just waaaaay too many duds out there and once I've got a copy, I'm very unlikely to let it go, even if it is a terrible celebrity rip-off that may only have one or two recipes in it that I may want to use).

Jamie's book is surprisingly upper middle class in comparison to Nigella's - this is ironic considering his roots and the glam that Nigella brings to the table.  For example, Nigella's fish pie is deliciously simple in her cookbooks (she even calls it "Nursery Fish Pie" in her FEAST cookbook).  Now I'm certain she never intentionally wanted me to use frozen fish but I've made this very pie using pollock and smoked haddock from the freezer compartment and it is still pretty scrummy - and because the quantity is quite humongous you can end up eating this again and again.  Having said that, I now feel I do have to recount when I sent David out with a shopping list for ingredients for this comfort dish, and in my head I assumed that he would translate the fish as being frozen from Nigella's list of ingredients - predictably of course he did not (and why would he?) and so the price tag went up a notch, but using fresh fish did add a certain "wow" factor to the dish once cooked and eaten, we can now attest.

Now in comparison, Jamie lists his Fish Pie in his Christmas Cookbook as requiring Lobster.  I'm sure it's delicious, but this is slightly out of my league this year (and most years!).  But even some of the other recipes have a certain whiff of the elite amongst them.  I have noted a few recipes of course:  the Roast Chicken with the four "smearing" butters; the Salmon En Croute; the Hasselback Potatoes; his Veggie Stuffing; a Turkey Risotto, Turkey Pie and Turkey Falafel (you really cannot have enough leftover turkey recipes on hand for Boxing Day and thereafter) - some desserts (including a Jaffa Cake recipe, for Jarra, our daughter and mother of our three grandchildren - yep, we got another one!) but overall I couldn't justify buying this as a purchase.  It just felt a little bloaty, especially with the full page images (so impossible to recreate in such glory you BASTARD Jamie) of every recipe.

And there just isn't enough chat.  Nigella luxuriously describes why she includes her recipes - even her slutty cookbooks have this in them.  Jamie sort of adds a couple of sentences as an introduction and I can't help feeling it's just not personal enough.

However his Make Ahead Gravy truly is a genius idea, and here we, on a Cold December's night before the First of Advent, making our gravy ahead of the actual day.  For this alone I can recommend this book.

Here's how we do in the Fabulous Gay Apartment:

You get a couple of onions, a couple of carrots and a few sticks of celery.  All roughly chopped.  You can peel the onions but just wash the carrots.  Get some fresh herbs - Jamie suggests Rosemary and Sage so I sent David off to the allotment to grab these the other day - a few sprigs of each.  I added four Bay leaves (they were store bought) whereas Jamie suggests only two.

Over this I sprinkled some amazing Canadian smokey salts that a lovely couple from Canada sent us (as a "thankyou" for hosting them for an impromptu Bonfire Night celebration one year) in a most splendid surprise parcel that arrived with all sorts of goodies and geeky foodery gifts.  We love them.  Sometimes people are so beautiful it almost knocks the wind out of you with joy.  Jamie suggests bacon, but bacon is a big no-no for me because, well, it's a pig and I really really like pigs.  You will not eat one in front of me without me grimacing, even if just a little.

Then you add the chicken wings.  Jamie said use 10, the pack I bought had 9 so I'm not worried this isn't going to work out.  David bashed them with a rolling pin, quite aggressively.  You want to break them up a little bit so ALL the flavours seep out.  Then I drizzled olive oil (ala Nigella, you know the way, where she says add two tablespoons and then proceeds to drizzle over a large portion of the bottle.  I added more oil than I normally would because David pointed out the lack of bacon - we can add smokey salts to emulate the flavour but the only way to replace the fat is to add more fat.  I then liberally sprinkled over coarsely ground black pepper - lots of it.

This then goes into the oven for an hour at 180 degrees Celsius. 

Ready for the oven - the oven gloves being yet
another fabulous gift from the parcel that I lurrrve.

Once that's done (and I can smell it now, it is nearing it's completion) Jamie says to transfer to a hob but leave in the baking dish and bash it with a potato masher (you'll want a sturdy metal one) until everything is super mushy.  We transferred this to a very large saucepan on the hob - same thing, mishy-mash it all up, but just not in the tray - our hob doesn't really accommodate a massive tray, so a change in the process was required.  Then you "brown" the gravy - you keep frying until you've got your desired level of brownyness - the longer it's on the hob, the darker the gravy will be.  Ours will be dark.  As dark as the night this time of year (or should I say late afternoon?).

At this stage your mush will begin to resemble the regurgitated innards of a small dinosaur.  Resist the urge to empty your own stomach and persevere.

Then you add some port - a small glass will go into this mix (the rest is for David and Me), some flour (four tablespoons Jamie says, I added five of an all purpose gluten-free plain flour mix, it's mostly starch in these store bought mixes, but I always add more when I'm replacing with gluten free) then pour in two litres of water boiled from the kettle.  Simmer for 30 minutes (ours is still simmering, an hour on) stirring occasionally.  Once this has thickened and reduced to your liking, cool, strain and transfer to bags and pop in the fridge (or freezer, if, like us, you're making this four weeks before the actual day).

Ultimate Red Bean Chilli

I'm not 100% certain where I got this cookbook from, but I believe it was once proudly owned by a former flat mate who fled the UK over a decade ago now.  She left me a number of items, some of them as compensation as she owed me quite a substantial sum of money at the time .   She was struggling financially and back then we were in a fairly good place so I had no qualms in lending her money, but I must admit I'm always a little shocked when folks borrow cash and then make a judgement call about whether or not borrowed cash should be paid back.

Now I don't often turn to Rose Elliot's Vegetarian Meals in Minutes for inspiration when I'm planning my weekly meals, but of late I have found myself needing to pinch the pennies.  The reason is that I am determined this year to actually go on a holiday that isn't in Australia and also isn't in England (a.k.a. Watford).

We've been living in the UK for many years now, with the rest of Europe literally on our doorstep, and yet for the past few years the only holidays we've actually managed to plan are trips to Australia, the land of our births.  What is possibly even more annoying is that these trips have also involved my partner giving evidence at a Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse which has been harrowing for us both, to say the least.  Add the usual family dramas that inevitably occur whenever we return to our home towns, and the trip becomes even less enjoyable.

Don't get me wrong, what David is doing (and all of the survivors) at the Commission is highly commendable and I support him wholeheartedly.  Also we appreciate our families and the support they (sometimes) give us.  However nothing says "romantic holiday" like a week on a beach, and nowhere is more relaxing than being on island somewhere in the middle of nowhere where the place you are staying is called Maria's Place.

So what I did this year in January is spend all of my money.  Literally.  ALL OF IT.  And then some.  I booked a week in Malta in April and for our anniversary this year in September (we'll be celebrating 20 years together) we'll be going to Crete and it's little baby sister Santorini (otherwise known as Thira, and once upon a time probably known as Atlantis).  Needless to say, when the time comes, it's going to be fabulous!

In the meantime, I am now so broke I am forced to return to my student days, when a jar of lentils went a very long way indeed.

So out comes all the vegetarian recipes that I used to live on, week in and week out.

The title of this blog and the recipe that I cooked this evening made me giggle.  Mainly because the ingredients for this ULTIMATE dish are pretty bog standard so no idea what was in Rose's head when she wrote this.

Anyway, the ingredients and method are as follows:

Fry 1 onion (chopped) in 1 tablespoon olive oil for 5 minutes (covered).  Chop a pepper (Rose says use red but I like to use a green one as there is enough red colour in this dish already and green peppers are cheaper, let's be honest) and dice a carrot and add this to the pan along with a crushed clove of garlic (or two, if, like me you always double or triple the amount of garlic in every recipe). Cook for another 10 minutes, covered.  Rose says to deseed a green chilli and slice it finely but I chopped up 3 dried chillis, seeds and all.  (this is a CHILLI after all, let's not pussyfoot around with the heat).  Then add a tin of tomatoes (chopped if your lazy like I was tonight, or just smoosh 'em up with the wooden spoon if not).  Cook until the carrot is tender (5-15 minutes uncovered).  Then add a tin of kidney beans (drained and rinsed - really important that you rinse the beans to remove all of the cooking water from the tin).  Season with salt and pepper and serve with rice.

It serves 2 so as I'm on my lonesome for the next month (David is still fighting the good fight in Oz) I will have enough for a mid-week meal when I don't feel like cooking, which, let's face it, when you're on your own, is pretty much everyday.

UK readers can get a copy for next to nothing second hand here, and for US readers you can get one for under a dollar here.

Robots in the kitchen

David and I spent a good Saturday a few weeks back just pottering around Watford Shopping Centre.  We sometimes do this without spending a penny.  Sometimes we spend quite a bit more than that.

Last time we literally just wandered from store to store pondering and noting items to place on our wish list.  Ever since I had seen the photo of the roasting chicken in a cast iron stock pot in Pippa Middleton's "Celebrate" I wanted the stock pot, and at John Lewis they have a "reputable" brand selling at a ridiculous price of course...  David has since managed to snaffle one from Sainsburys at a fraction of the cost.  It's wonderful, rustic, and will go exceedingly well with our Aga (the one that is in that little cottage in the Derbyshire forest that we haven't managed to get around to owning quite yet).

And then we saw it.  A cooking robot!  Jamie Oliver was promoting a cooking robot!!!  

Okay, admittedly this device doesn't look even remotely like the android's I'd imagined that we all would be owning by about this year (when i was a child, I kept hearing about how we'd all be driving hover cars and taking trips to the moon for the weekend, and, of course, we would have invented robots - I always wanted to believe them about the robots bit, not sure i ever truly believe them about anything else).

Somebody once joked that the real reason we don't have robots is because of Microsoft.... and I laughed but then suddenly thought to myself.... "you know that isn't  such a silly thought....") but I digress.... the Phillips Home Cooker... wow.... 

Okay... that black tower is little more than a very tall food processor with a funnel.  I immediately saw this "add on" to the home cooker and thought.... but why bother with buying yet another food processor?  This is kerazy talk!.  So ignore the black tower like thang.  Focus instead on the red arm that sits in the centre of the cooker.  What it does is stir.  Stir constantly like a very naughty drag queen that has had just that little bit too much wine.

At £250+ I am not going to be rushing out to buy this device any time soon.  Okay, so it will create the best risotto you've ever had since you had a little sous chef chopping and stirring for you?  Or you can just settle for second best risotto.

David bought me my very first Jamie Oliver cookbook a few months back for approximately £5.  Bargain! I was very excited.  The book is titled Jamie Oliver's 30 Minute Meals and what it promises you is that you can cook a lovely dinner for your family of four (or large portion consuming family of three), including a desert and usually a salad or a side dish of veggies, in just under 30 mintues.  I got very excited indeed.  Everyone knew i was very excited because I ended up taking the book to bed and making myself really hungry after dinner by flicking through the pages and wondering how we were going to use this.

The first section deals with equipment.  I turned to David and solemnly said: "Well, we'll be needing to purchase a blender and food processor, you now realise?"  He wasn't at all amused.  It took some work (overtime, actually), but we are now the proud owners of our own little run-of-the-mill kitchen automation device: our Bosch Food Processor (and Blender... and Juicer.... and Squeezer....!!).

Anyway, I'll publish this post now, mainly because I have already written enough for one entry - and also because this post has been sitting in draft format for quite some time, but fear not, I will tell you of my first (and second) attempt to cook one of his easier meals in just under 30 minutes.  Let's just say I don't quite get the timing right.... but i don't want to spoil it for you... so stay tuned!  Promise I'll publish it by the end of this week!

Coffee, Curry, Khop Kun Krap

So the past few weeks have been a blur of work including overtime and coffee, much needed coffee.  I drink 'real' coffee whilst at work, and at home, an instant variety that comes in a beautiful reusable jar that I have been collecting for the past five years.  I use these jars to store just about everything in my pantry.  I like them because they are washable and come in two different sizes (in Australia, they also come in a mini tiny variety that is just perfect for herbs and spices and whenever I travel to Oz now I buy my coffee in these tiny jars just so I can take them home with me).

Of course having to work so much meant that there was very little time for anything else.  For a while there I was getting up at 4am so I could catch the 5:11 train to London.  Arriving at work at 6am I would put on one of the three hats that I am currrently finding that I have to wear whilst at work.  At about 10am I would switch to another hat and then I would alternate between this one and the other one and so on for the rest of the day.  Sometimes the day would end 12 hours after it began.  Then I would catch the train home and sort of veg out around David whilst he was cooking up something, barely making it through dinner and our obligatory dinner tv hour with Zack (Parks and Recreation of course....) before crawling into bed and off to sleep only to reset the cycle the following (early) morning.  This also included Saturday for a couple of weeks.... crazy.... but great for the bank balance.

So finally I am starting to pull back on the extra hours and find some time to do housework and of course some cooking and one of the easiest dishes that I find to cook is thai chicken curry - either the green or red variety.  This is also one of Zack's favourite dishes so it's a no brainer whenever I want to treat us as a family unit because David and I enjoy it immensely as well.

Being gluten free for a while now, I will not risk buying a store bought sauce so I always end up making my own.  It might seem like a lot of additional work, but nothing beats the flavour of your own green or red curry paste.  I sadly do not own a single cookbook in my vast collection that contains either of these recipes  (that I know of.... one of the joys of having a massive collection of anything is not actually being completely sure of what you actually possess and constantly stumbling upon something as yet undiscovered) but I do have access to the internet, and so I give you my favourite thai curry paste recipes.

Thai Green Curry Paste
Thai Red Curry Paste
 
They are both by the lovely Darlene Schmidt and they are a doddle to make (just throw everything into a blender (or use a hand blender and a large pyrex jug) and blend until smooth).  I am constantly varying these two recipes depending on what ingredients I actually have to hand, but I must add that I think that there is really no substitute for using fresh lemon grass - it is worth postponing your cooking until you actually buy these essential thai ingredients).  I always double up on the ingredients and store a pot of the curry sauce in the fridge for a second meal later in the week (it can last for much longer but rarely does in our house).

Now onto my next cookbook.  Ken Hom's Foolproof Thai Cookery (US try here).  Hom is a pretty cool chef.  He is famed for his Asian fusion fare and I own probably one of his more popular recipe books.  It's something that David picked up not long after he arrived in the country (having spent a good couple of months in the land of smiles on his way to blighty he became quite partial to thai food).  Looking back now on his time spent on the no-wheat diet (Thailand is pretty much wheat free) he was probably consuming one of the healthiest diets in his life, although the stress-free lifestyle he was living back then probably didn't hurt either.

I must point out, though, that Ken is annoyingly very much a chef and it becomes really obvious in his coobooks. Who measures out chopped onions in tablespoons?  Why only a chef who has somebody chop a bowl full for him every morning!  The good thing about such crazy measurements is that you end up just substituting your own vague portion quantities.  How much is 2 tablespoons of chopped garlic?  About 5 cloves maybe?  Yeah, let's err on the side of largess and make it 6.

Ultimately a green (or red) curry is pretty similar to cook once you have made your paste.  First, prepare your ingredients.  Chop 2 lemon grass stalks, 5 cloves of garlic, a 2.5cm chunk of ginger, 1 small onion and throw all of this into a bowl along with 4 kaffir lime leaves (or the rind and juice of a lime), 1 tablespoon of fish sauce, 2 teaspoons of sugar and 1 teaspoon of salt.  Next chop your chicken breast (or thighs) - about 500g worth of boneless meat into 2.5cm chunks.  If you're making a red curry, also chop (into smaller chunks) 225g of potato.  Finally chop a handful of coriander leaves and some thai basil leaves (just basil if you don't have the asian version).  If making a red curry, also slice a red chilli or two for garnish, as well as crushing 50g roasted peanuts.

With your ingredients prepared, get your rice cooking.  Then  heat a wok, and splash in some vegetable oil
 once it's piping hot.  Next add your green or red curry paste and stir fry for 2 mins.  Then add the chicken (and potato if a red curry) and ensure everything is coated with the paste before adding the bowl of chopped ingredients.  Stir fry for a minute before adding a 400ml tin of coconut milk (or 150ml coconut cream and the same again of water).  Simmer for 15 mins or until the chicken is cooked.  Stir in the coriander and basil and if red, garnish with chilli and roasted nuts.  Serve immediately on steaming hot rice.  Delicious!

Hazelnuts and Cabbage Heads

Probably by the time you read this, David and I will be the proud grandparents of our second grandchild.  I'm still hoping his parent's call him "Arlo", because, well, that's what David and I have been calling him for quite some time now although I believe that they now are leaning towards "Kael" (which means I will be forced to call him "cabbage head") but maybe we will just call him "Arlo", in secret, whenever his parents aren't listening.

We watched the progress of our first grandchild with excitement via Facebook posts, every week an update explaining how big the baby was, what mother's normally experienced during this stage of gestation and various other tidbits.  At that point we had absolutely no idea of the sex or her name.  When she was born, it was a pretty special moment.  We weren't there, of course, being on the other side of the world, but when we received the call from the proud father a feeling of pure joy swept over us.  It was a true delight to hear Jimmy's voice, the excitement mixed with the exhaustion and overall, the relief in those few words.  "It's a girl!"

 

David and I skyping with the proud (and clearly very intelligent) parents of our grandchilden

Jarra had called us shortly after becoming pregnant and for weeks afterwards we had to keep everything a secret which, of course, makes it incredibly hard to feel anything at all.  Jarra was incredibly concerned of what we would think of her, mainly because she was very young, had just started university and, ultimately, had her whole life ahead of her and our attempts at being relatively responsible parents meant we ensure that we had the "don't you go getting pregnant now" conversations a few times.  After the initial shock of the call (where she made me guess what she was having difficulty in telling me) I realised that all she wanted was for us to say "Whatever you do, honey, we will support you".

These are words that all parents should practice over and over before their child is born, because it will be inevitable that they will have to say this phrase at least once in their child's lifetime and of course when they do end up saying it, they have to really mean it.  We found that we had absolutely no trouble in saying these words.  In truth, we have no trouble in saying these words to any of our children.

I recall how I broke the news of my own child's design to my own mother.  I was a little drunk, having begun celebrations pretty soon after I found out.  Apparently I went white as a sheet as the news was broken to me in front of just about all of my closest friends (and it is interesting to note that not that many of these "friends" are still in my life today).  My brother challenged me with the telling my parents, making out that it would be something of a hard thing to do, something to be fearful of and so I decided that I had to get it over with pretty quickly.

I set up a video camera in the lounge room, got my parent's to sit down with my brother in front of it and then told them the news.  My mother was never too happy about that little procedure and I do not recommend it to anyone – seriously this is not the best method.  It was quite funny though, at the time and I still smirk when I think of it today.  I'll let you draw upon your imaginations to determine how my family actually reacted to those words…. forever recorded…. on vhs…. I think my copy has degraded now, although I haven't checked for quite some time.  It's in the attic, in a box; somewhere.

So Jarra was determined to come first in the early motherhood competition that she had unexpectedly entered with her mother being the only other competitor.  Our daughter had managed to fool everyone (pretty much like I had by coming out to my parents a few years earlier as a gay man before presenting them with the news that they would be grandparents) by getting excellent marks in her final year of high school and then starting (and completing) her first year of university, where she was studying to become a Vet.  Suddenly she was pregnant and of course it did not take long for her to decide that she was going to do everything better and be much more organised than her own mother was.

Hazel wondering why her grandfather wants to devour her

 We've had a couple of years to see how that bold statement has progressed and, to be honest, on most levels she has done a fantastic job.  She is probably more stubborn than her mother was at times when it comes to dealing with members of her family although perhaps this is because she has me as a father instead of a partner, and she has David as another mother.  Have us as parents means that our kids are constantly challenged, which is probably a good thing but am learning that once they reach true adulthood (around 21 years of age) they can get quite belligerent towards this method.  I am already considering other options, but I haven't quite worked out what they will be as yet.

So which cookbook, out of all of my cookbooks, represents babyhood?  I guess I would have to go back to my all time favourite, Sarah Brown and my all time favourite recipe, Hummus.  There is something about this recipe that just says "baby food".  Of course the garlic and tahini will put off most toddlers but perhaps only those force fed the store bought jars of sweetened baby moosh.  Jarra, to our surprise, simply loved olives.  As did Brydie.  Sometimes kids' taste buds will surprise us.

To avoid duplication, I will pull another recipe from yet another Sarah Brown cookbook that I own – namely her book published by BBC books Sarah Brown's New Vegetarian Kitchen (US try here).  This tome has (naturally) some of my favourite recipes of all time:  Mushroom Soup with Tofu (whatever you do, don't replace the tofu with the same amount of miso, as my mother once did, thinking these products were the same!); Seven Seed Bread (my father used to beg me to make this as he could not stand "dish cloth bread" – the name he gave to mass produced sliced loaves from the supermarket); and Creamed Bean Pate – a favourite dip of mine, and one of the simplest dips to make if you've got a can of butter or any white bean (cannellini?) in your store cupboard and impromptu guests arriving at your door.

If you are forewarned, you can soak 175g of any white bean overnight, and then rinse and cook by covering in a pan with plenty of fresh water (boil fiercely for 10 minutes, then simmer for 40 minutes or so until soft).  Or you can use a can of any white bean.  Whichever method, drain and reserve some of the cooking water and then purée to create a creamy moosh.  Add 2 tablespoons mayonnaise, 1 tablespoon lemon juice and 2-3 tablespoons of freshly chopped mint, chives or parsley.  Mix well and season with salt and pepper to taste.  Serve with corn chips, or crudités.  Delicious.

Fashionable Finds

For the past two weeks our son, Zack, was given a wonderful opportunity to be independent by gaining some work experience in Liverpool at one of a series of cinemas owned by his great uncle.  David and I were a little worried to begin with but we secretly enjoyed this feeling of parental concern – having missed out on so much of his world over the years we possibly ramped up the feelings of anxiety a little, but the boy is eighteen years old, turning nineteen in under a week now, and so not really a 'boy' at all anymore…. 

Of course, the older you get the more you realise just how young you were at any age prior to the one you are living today and nobody could have explained to me that at eighteen I was actually still a "teen", even though it's quite obvious from meaning of the word that you are indeed exactly that.  In order to honor our son's naturally mature outlook and approach to life, however, I will from hereon in refer to him as "the lad".  This is partly because he has an insatiable desire for all things sport (but strangely, isn't really into Rugby… dammit!) but also because, like me at that age, he has a penchant for items of clothing that are also otherwise known as "labels".

A few weeks ago, after the lads went on a roadtrip to Derby, we spent a day travelling to Bicester and back  (oddly enough, the placename is pronounced "Bister", like Leicester is not "Lay-chester" or "Lie-sesster", merely"Lester"… and while we're at it, the river "Thames" is pronounced "Tems").  My boss, bless her, had mentioned that this was the place to go for the purchasing of clothes that are labular in origin (yes, okay, that word does not have anything to do with fashion but it truly sounds like it should).

On arrival at Bicester, however, it was raining and it soon became apparent that the shopping centre may have been built as an attempt to emulate a sweet village but of course ended up being just a series of shops on a fake cobblestone street (so pretty much nothing like it at all).  The lad was at first a little nervous but with our encouragement he soon got into the whole shopping experience. 

We cajoled him into buying a charcoal grey trenchcoat and then he got a smart purple jacket-coat which neither David nor myself would ever in a million years have purchased for him – mainly because what is now acceptable fashion for an eighteen year old to wear was certainly not acceptable when David and I were his age.

So everybody managed to carry a bag in the end.  David was the hardest to buy for, but in the end we convinced him to purchase a pair of light blue trousers that only he could pull off and I found a coat that the lads convinced me had my name written all over it.  As a result of these purchases, even though they were all reduced by 50%-75% off, our bank account was £500 lighter – although this did include a delicious meal at Carluccios, which, to our delight, we discovered has a complete menu dedicated to gluten free fare.

We managed to devour a starter platter of olives and cheese and oatcakes with other anti-pasta while Zack chowed down on some breaded scampi.  For our mains, Zack had the bolognaise, David the carbonara and I the mushroom pasta.  I was hoping for something creamy but instead three different mushrooms (including the oyster variety… superb!) were reduced in a simmering stock along with onions and garlic, and this was tossed in oily gluten-free pasta.  I could not get over the intense flavours that were produced with every mouthful.  This truly was something I wanted to try and cook up at home, and I made a note of every ingredient I could see and taste. 

We ended the meal with Eton Mess,a Cheese platter and Ice-cream.  I'd never had Eton Mess before (at Carluccios this is unimaginatively called Raspberry Meringue with cream, but they displayed their giant sized meringues as you entered the restaurant, so perhaps there really was no need to pay homage to that crazy overpriced scholastic tradition after all).  Whilst there, Zack searched the internet and then informed us that we have our very own Carluccio's in Watford.  That was news to David and I but welcome news all the same - it is the perfect place for a treat and we have long given up attempting to eat at establishments when we know that we could produce a better quality and tasting meal from scratch in our own home.  Why spend money on the mark-up only to feel disappointed with laissez-faire fare?  Carluccios most definitely ranks as a place that can cook as good as, if not better, than we can ourselves.

Now normally David and I don't buy designer clothes.  We once bought a pair of Hugo Boss suits for £200 each but these lasted a good ten years.  Coats are also worth spending a good amount of money on -again, they tend to last (hence Zack's expensive coats).  Was it worth spoiling our son?  Well of course - those years filled with our absence require a little bit of a splash with our cash, even if it is just to make us as missing parents feel a little better, a little less guilty (annoyingly, even though circumstances were often beyond our control with regard to access to our children, we still feel guilty about it to this very day) a little more like real dads.  These are silly (and expensive) illusions, of course, and our son knows we love him dearly and no amount of clothing will make up for the lost moments of course and everyone knows this, however, Zack did look very smart and quite happy with his purchases and we all enjoyed ourselves regardless of having that knowledge of the reality of the situation.

David, being a typical Gemini, loves fashion.  Myself, a Sagittarian, am more interested in the practicality of clothing.  Yes, there was a period when all I would wear was Calvin Klein underwear but this was more about how you looked when you were undressing (I was going for sexy at the time) and although I also purchased the jeans and the t-shirts, I soon got bored for being a walking billboard for Mr Klein (and paying through the nose to do so).  My parents attempted to create a middle-class environment for us as we were growing up, David's parents were often living on the breadline.  My mother owned a sewing machine and experimented wildly in the seventies with various fabrics (stretchy ones), David's mother received bags of clothing from wealthier members of the Catholic community.

So given the above, it should come as no surprise that David is the one that does the clothes shopping.  Even before we stopped the intake of gluten into our bodies we were always pretty much the same with regard to our clothes sizes.  This meant that we could share a wardrobe which is quite handy for a number of very practical reasons.  I, of course, balk at the mark-up on 'fashionable' items of clothing.  I remember when I worked at Canary Wharf and was starting to earn (what I then considered) a reasonable salary that I had a look at some of the items in the shop windows that caught my eye.  Some of the shirts, for example, where I was thinking "now that looks snazzy and I could see myself that" were simply ridiculous when it came to the price tag - a couple of weeks worth of my shopping bill or the price of a small electronic device - it just did not make any sense. 

On top of that, fashion requires followers, and half the time the recycled colours and nonsense that we were being fed looked ridiculous.  So pastels are in this summer?  Who cares??  I hate pastels.  David hates pastels.  They make us look pasty.  We will never wear them.  There was a time when darker shirt colours were all the rage, and shiny darker ties were worn with them.  This was the year that I wore ties.  Once the shirts started to go to pastel shades or begin to look like an architect's doodle with all that cross-hatching and lines a criss-crossing, I stopped wearing ties and started wearing pure black shirts again.

David, being the Gemini, still wears whatever he finds and thinks looks good on him.  Sometimes he gets this wrong (according to my taste, and rarely, to be honest) but most of the time he pulls off the most amazing outfits and because he knows I would get very annoyed if he spent our grocery bill on one item of clothing, he shops at thrift stores (or dead men's stores, as we now call them).  They truly are wonderful.  People deliver their unwanted clothing to them, he carefully sifts through the items and we end up with a wonderfully eclectic wardrobe.  I do not give a hoot whether something is in season or out – if I like it and it looks good on me, I will wear it (probably till it falls to pieces).  I'm certainly that way with shoes (or boots, as I prefer to wear).  I like to buy 2 or 3 pairs of the same shoe.  This way, I give them a rest while at the same time wearing something that I know I feel comfortable in (and I secretly enjoy the fact that I'm actually NOT wearing the same thing every day, even though other's may think I am).

So last Saturday, as it was a beautiful day and worthy of a walk, David mentioned that there was a particular cook book that he wanted to show me in one of the local Dead Men's Stores.  I was immediately interested, of course, I mean, you can never own too many cook books (I keep telling myself I don't own enough to fill a room…. yet!).  So off we wandered and at explored the various stores.  Our high street has a number of them all bundled together in one section, which makes it very convenient to check out the bargains (and help the various charities, of course).  Sadly, when we finally got to the store David could no longer locate the book – somebody had surely purchased it.

He was annoyed, but placated himself by assuming that it just wasn't meant to be.  I found a book on chicken, but after we both looked it over, it was clear that it was not really worthy of purchase – it's quite astonishing just how many terribly bad cookbooks there are out there!  The store was filled with various attempts to teach folks how to cook the silliest stuff.  We were very excited indeed when we discovered a MacFarlane doll of Kaneda from the cult classic Manga film Akira for only 5.99!  I nearly had to push an old man out of the way to get to it (although I did say excuse me…) but that doll was mine (or ours…. as is nearly everything that we own, not just with regards to our wardrobe).

As we wandered back down the high street, I spied a book in the shop window that caught my eye due to the large red font and the words "the cooking book" (America, try here).  I mentioned this to David who got very excited indeed!  Here was the cookbook he was after!  Sure enough, the staff of PDSA had moved it to the window which is why he couldn't find it on the shelf, and we rushed back inside to purchase it for a bargain price of £5!  Once we got back home I could immediately see why this book had measured so strongly on David's radar – it was such a wonderful layout – sections broken down into ingredients (I do love a well ordered cookbook) and every section with an introduction filled with thumbnails of recipe ideas. 

We researched the author and discovered that she wasn't a famous chef or TV personality but was instead just a lover of cooking and good food – these are always the best writers of cook books because without the actual love, you could end up with a bunch of recipes that the author has not even bothered to try out themselves and you tear your hair out as you serve up something that in no way resembles the author's description or photographs and, of course, somehow end up blaming yourself for the miserable failure.  I particularly fell in love with the mini insert in the front cover that is a small booklet of shopping lists for every recipe in the main book.... very thoughtful, Victoria Blashford-Snell and very, very handy indeed.

So whilst David set about cooking us a late lunch (sea food stir fry, while the lad was away, we got to eat prawns as he is sadly allergic to shellfish) I perused the pages of this latest purchase to find us a suitable meal for dinner, something creamy, something that used the mushrooms.. .and of course, I remembered Carluccio's and how I wanted my mushroom pasta to be – and there it was, the recipe I needed, on page 250.  With only slight modification, I made it like this:

Melt 60g of butter in a pan and cook 1 finely chopped onion and about 2-4 crushed garlic cloves until they are lightly browned and softened.  Add 450g mixed chopped mushrooms (I used Oyster, Shitake and Chestnut) and cook for 10 mins.  Then pour in 120ml white wine and a pinch of grated nutmeg.  Cover and simmer for 5 mins.  Stir in 300 ml creme fraiche (or sour cream... or even cream cheese mixed with water to a creamy consistency if you prefer).  Add 120g smoked salmon (or smoked tofu?) and season to taste.  Mix 1 tbsp cornflour with some water and stir into the sauce, then stir till it thickens.  Stir in some chopped tarragon (or parsley... or both).  Serve on toast, or with oily pasta spirals.... lovely!